The Way It's Got To Be.

So... this weekend was a real eye-opener. I've decided that I've had ENOUGH of the same guys I've allowed to jerk me around since high school. For real, I really haven't moved on from the same dating pool I've been in since high school but that's about to change. I want a guy with some real hopes, dreams, and ambitions. I look around my dating pool and there's not a whole lot of options there. Of course, if you want something in your partner you have to become it first so that is the first item on my agenda. Second item: stop being such a damn door mat! I WILL NOT be treated like a play thing for a man's personal enjoyment anymore! I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!

So, if you are one of the guys in my world right now I have some new rules for you:
1. Time with you will be limited. I will not hang out for a second longer than I want to. I don't care if you give me a guilt trip, when I'm ready to go home I'm going home.
2. There will be NO MORE PHYSICAL CONTACT! Until you can get to the point where you know me and respect me as an intelligent human being YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF MY HUGS, KISSES, ETC!
3. If you call or text me and I don't respond, deal with it. 99% of you have been treating me this way so it's about time I gave you some of your own medicine.
4. I OWE YOU NOTHING! I have gone around thinking that if you've bought me dinner or taken me out to a movie then I owe you some of my time and attention even when you treat me like dirt. It's done.

This is the start of something wonderful for me, I can feel it. I've come to the point where I know eventually I can find a guy that goes from:
a. being genuinely interested in me to...
b. having a great deal of respect for me to...
c. really liking me to...
d. loving me without fear.
No more of this skittishness when it comes to commitment. I am a woman worth loving and keeping, I know that now and it's time I find a guy who can comprehend that too.

The Oquirrh Mountain Temple

This week I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house with Melissa and Steven. It was such a beautiful temple. We walked through like you always do, enjoying the beauty and then we headed off to a sealing room. As we sat in the sealing room listening to the couple talk about the importance of temple marriage I started to tear up. I looked around at this beautiful room and I was hit with the sudden realization of: "this is where I'm going to get married." I've always had my heart set on the Salt Lake Temple but as I sat there I knew that this temple was the one I was meant to get married in. It was a beautiful temple and I highly suggest that if you haven't gone to the open house yet you should before time runs out!

My Heart Has A Wish...

Lately I can't help but think how much I wish I had a different family. This may sound cruel but it's the truth and I can't hide from it anymore. I want a happy, functional family and though people will try to have you believe that those are rare I don't believe it. If this life is what we make it then it is my goal to create a happy, functional family for myself.

I want my children to feel like their home is their sanctuary instead of being afraid of their parents temper. I want my children to feel that their parents love them and support them and are not waiting for them to fail so they can say "I told you so." I will never treat my children like they are stupid, or tell them that they are stupid, or tell them that something is beyond their reach. I will always encourage my children's' hopes and dreams. I will teach them the importance of morality and will expect them to make the right choices. After all: "Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I will make sure that I conduct myself in a manner that they will be able to respect and look up to. I will never make them feel like they have to be the parent for me.

I will give them the appropriate guild lines and discipline. This society we live in is an absolute joke when it comes to raising children. We put the children in front of the TV and expect it to raise them and that they will turn out ok? Are you kidding me? We are afraid to discipline our children because now our children have the power and can claim they have been abused without any proof and it will work, and they know it. I hope and pray everyday that my children will have the understanding that I have strict rules and enforce those rules with proper consequences not because I'm "mean" but because I love them and want what is best for them. I walk through the grocery stores and see what kids are getting away with these days and it makes me crazy! I'm writing this for 2 reasons: 1. to remind myself of my goals and 2. so that people will read this and maybe get a clue!

I am so impressed with some of my friends that already have children for the way they are raising their children. I see proper discipline and loads of love which is what every child needs. I think that if we can remember that children are special spirits that the Lord has entrusted to our care that would make a world of difference. Just something to ponder.

It's All Coming Together!

My life is coming together so beautifully right now and I'm so happy! I'm using my unemployment to my advantage to get help with schooling. The problem is I have to do a two year work ready degree. My teaching dream went out the window and I was really sad. Then I went to talk to my academic advisor again and she noticed that when I was going to school earlier I was in the pre-secondary education program. She informed me that the degree I'm going for transfers into the Business/Marketing Secondary Education degree nicely so even though, for the time being, I just have to go for my associates degree later I'll be able to work on the bachelor's and be able to teach just like I always wanted! I was so happy when I heard the news that I almost started crying tears of joy but of course I didn't. Crying in front of people you don't know is humiliating so I contained myself. Then I got called in for an interview on campus, they wanted to hire me but since I'm not registered for classes yet they can't. I don't mind being passed on this one because the pay wasn't too great and it was part time. BUT I'm glad that my resume is looking good enough to get called for jobs and I was told that there will be more on- campus jobs opening up in a couple of weeks when I will be registered for classes so I have high hopes. I would really like to get a job on campus because it would make my life a lot easier. Sure, I can think of things that would make my life even better but for now I'm just going to be grateful for the blessings I've received!

Something To Make Me Smile

On Sunday we were getting ready for choir practice when I realized that our pianist wasn't there. Big problem. They sent in a lady from the stake to help us out and she told us that we didn't have enough people in our ward who was able to play piano and she would give anyone who was interested FREE LESSONS! Oh yeah, I totally jumped all over that. It will be so nice to be playing again and who knows? Maybe I'll be playing for our ward soon.

Now, the issue is... I need something to practice on. Pray that my mother is merciful and let's me borrow her keyboard. I really hope everything works out. Music is a big part of who I am and I have to admit there's been a bit of a hole in my soul since I haven't been able to play the piano like I used to. I really feel like this is a step in the right direction. Maybe playing the piano again will pull me out of my depression that I've been in lately. One can only hope!

Time To Get Serious

So, last week was an interesting week.

• Tuesday: I made a reservation so Steven and I could go to the open house for the Draper Temple, I was so excited and couldn't figure out why.
• Wednesday: The bishop and the stake president came over for a visit. It was great to be in the presence of two wonderful and spiritual people in my own house.
• Thursday: Steven and I went to the open house. I was totally overwhelmed by the spirit that I had to choke back tears, it made a very large impression.
• Friday: I started reading Isaiah and the main subject matter was: temples.
• Saturday: More Isaiah, more about temples.
• Sunday: The topic for church that day was... (drum roll)...temples!

OK, by now I know that someone on the other side is poking me and saying, "Hey you, pay attention." Just when I'm thinking this in church the bishop, who is speaking in sacrament, says, "Some of you may feel like you're a long way off from being able to go to the temple but you're not. If you want to become temple worthy and experience the blessings that come with temple attendance come talk to me and we'll get you on the right track." I swear he looked right at me when he said it and that was it for me. I decided right there and then that I was going to go talk to my bishop and work on becoming temple worthy.



My life has not been the same since. I went and talked to the bishop and he totally believes in me! Which is really nice, I needed that. I've been studying my scriptures, praying regularly, and really searching my heart and working through issues so I can truly repent and find my way to "the straight and narrow." My life has so much more meaning now and the love I have for Steven is deepening and the more I think about it the more I realize that I truly want to be with him forever. Last night we went to the open house again. Being there with him felt so right and was just what I needed to remind me that I'm doing the right thing. The future is looking good and I'm so excited for my new, more meaningful life to begin.

Goal Restablished

So I'm finally picking up the goal of becoming a writer again. I'm reading more, writing more, and doing all those little things I need to do to get on the right track. Now, to find the time. That's the hardest part. I really need to work on my discipline and start acting like a writer instead of a dabbler.

Counting Down The Days

Twilight comes out on Friday and I'm going to see it on Sunday! I'm so excited and I'm seriously counting down the days! Only 4 more to go! YAY!

Wasted a Day

I'm usually the first person to speak out against wasting your life in front of the television. Well, based on my actions a couple of days ago I am now the big hypocrite. On Friday I seriously spent the whole day watching Cold Case Files. I just love the show and learning how the solve crimes. It's fascinating. The process of elimination, the new technology, piecing together clues, I LOVE it! Maybe some day I'll pursue a career in a field where I'll be the one to help solve some of these crimes. I hear that putting sleaze balls behind bars is very rewarding.

I Could Be A Hermit

There are days where I just don't want to be bothered with normal life. I just want to get me a little shack in the woods with a ton of books and everyone else can LEAVE ME ALONE! People, work, traffic, I would love to just leave it all behind. The bills can go unpaid, the fires I usually put out can keep burning, the people who think they need my attention 24/7 can take care of themselves, I want ME time. Maybe it's selfish but at this point I just don't care.

Intrigue

The word for the week is: Intrigue.
Intrigue: 1. a. A secret or underhand scheme; a plot. b. The practice of or involvement in such schemes. 2. A clandestine love affair.

I am an open book, that's all there is to it. Sometimes I like that I'm that way. If you talk to me for more than 10 minutes you pretty much know who I am, I really don't hide. Sometimes though I wish I could have a little intrigue. A little something that was all mine and meant for my heart only. A secret love affair or something of that nature. Meet in secret, having something to smile about and no one else will knows why, finding new and fun excuses for your unexplained absences. All of these things are things that the really good fantasies are made of. The problem is, I'm just not that interesting. I meet people and they say, "Oh, you're a cute girl. I bet you go out on dates all the time." But I don't. Lately I have gotten more attention than normal but not dates. So, when I do find someone to date I don't keep it secret because if I did then people would think I NEVER date. Some hearts can't have everything, I guess mine is one of them.

It's Not That Complicated

I hear a lot of guys piss and moan about how complicated women are with what they want in a man. It's really not that complicated at all. Do a little nice thing to help out here and there, tell her you love her, hold her in your arms once in a while without expecting some hot steamy action (what's funny is if you do this sometimes she ends up wanting hot steamy action), surprise her with something once in a while (heck, flowers are like $10 at Wal-Mart), listen instead of waiting for her to finish talking and then shove solutions on her, and listen to this song and take it to heart:

"Stand Beside Me"

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder

He said he had to find himself out on the road

I guess when love goes wrong you've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs and I moved three times

I ended up south of Memphis workin' down in Riverside

I may not be so lucky in love but the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart

Stand beside me

Be true don't tell lies to me

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man that who stands beside me

I didn't expect to see him one hot July morning

His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue

He said, I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do

I said,

I want a man that stands beside me

Not in front of or behind me

Give me two arms that want to hold me not own me

And I'll give all the love in my heart

It's hard to tell him no when I want him so bad

But I've got to be true to my heart

This time

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy

I want a man who stands beside me

I want a man who stands beside me

Stand beside me

Stand beside me

Also take a listen to Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman by Bryan Adams. Take that one to heart and you'll have her eating out of the palm of your hand!

Vampire

The word for the week is: Vampire

Vampire: in European folklore, a dead person believed to rise each night from the grave and suck blood from the living for sustenance.

Yes I know most, well all, of you know what they are. The definition above is pretty basic. However I'm going to write a little more about what they mean to me. For me, and others, vampires are so much more than monstrous creatures who stalk the night drinking blood. They are the embodiment of all of those dark, forbidden pleasures good people are supposed to deny themselves. They represent everything mysterious and sexual. To top it off, they're immortal which is fitting because the things they represent will always be part of living in the flesh. With these wonderful bodies come desires and animal drives that are ever present. The greatest enemy to God is the natural man. Vampires take all those earthly sins and wrap them up into a pretty seductive package. I try to be a good girl but the fact of the matter is, I'm human and have these same animal desires. I read vampire novels as a way of releasing these sinful urges so they don't overtake me. Well, that's the theory.

It all started when I was 16, I was vacuuming the basement when my mother came down stairs, turned the vacuum off, turned the TV on, and told me that I had to watch the movie that was playing on cable. It was weird behavior for her, cleaning is usually priority number one for my mother, but I watched. It was Interview With The Vampire. I loved the movie and when I found out it was based on a novel by Anne Rice I went straight to the library to check it out. From then on, I was hooked. I've read all of the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice and her New Tales of the Vampire books. Reading these novels introduced me to my first vampire love: Lestat. I love the conflicted and restless "Brat Prince." Someday I hope to take a little trip to New Orleans to attend his Ball that his fans have in his honor every year.

Then Sarah got me into the Twilight series and I was introduced to a new love, Edward. Anne Rice's style of writing was lush, vibrant, and challenging. Stephanie Meyer's was approachable with quite the knack for writing emotion so well that you felt it. She wrote Bella's love for Edward so well that many of her reader's fell in love with Edward's character because of the way they viewed him through Bella's eyes. Stephanie also made the vampire not so melodramatic. The vampire was no longer a purely evil and tortured character but a creature who was capable of having fun and relaxing a little bit. I really appreciated the new view of the vampire that she brought to her books.

There are several movies out there to be had as well. I know this seems like such a random subject but the vampire myth is definitely a part of who I am, the darker and more secret side of myself, so I wanted to share my views and opinions on the subject.

I Need to Write MORE!

This girl has some big dreams and one of them is to become a famous author. I know, I know, it's a BIG dream. One that a lot of people have and never achieve but I don't see another choice for my career so try I must.

Here's the problem: I sit all day at work so coming home and sitting down doesn't work out that great. I want to move! I find myself writing a sentence and pacing, writing a sentence and pacing, writing a sentence and pacing, etc. Plus, a lot of the time my dad is there watching TV, wanting me to cook dinner, wanting to take me out to dinner, wanting to take me to a movie, etc. See all the little distractions?

Write at work you ask? Well that could work except for here's how that scenario always plays out: I'm in the middle of a great thought, the phone rings, I answer it and deal with the call, go back to my writing, the great idea is gone, and I'm pissed. Yeah, yet another problem! This dream is never going to come to pass if I can't find a way around all these distractions.

So, I guess I'm just going to have to fight my way through the distractions and make time. I've got to get more writing done and fast. I'm sick of waiting for this dream to manifest. I WANT IT NOW!

Upcoming Vacation

My mother decided that she and I needed a vacation so we're going to Las Vegas in October! So excited! After we bought the plane tickets we started browsing online for some entertainment while we're there and came across a little class I want to take with my mom: Stripper 101. Yeah, you read it right Stripper 101. My mom is being a bit reluctant but I'm going to work on her, see if I can get her to loosen up and go. I think it would be awesome! It's a package that comes with a 75 minute class, a picture of you busting your best move, a t-shirt, and a certificate proclaiming that you are now an official Vegas Stripper. Will I ever use this skill? Maybe on that far away day that I actually get married, but until then it's just something fun I want to do to be able to say that I did it. Pole dancing here I come!

Visualization Board

If you haven't read The Secret you really need to. It's a very powerful book. I've been trying to apply the principles found there to my life. Hey, if it makes your life better it's worth a try right? My favorite concept so far is gratitude. You wake up in the morning and you immediately start thinking about everything you're grateful for. This really sets the tone for a wonderful day, trust me I know. The next thing that really caught my attention was the visualization board. Right after I read that section I went straight to the store and bought me a cork board. Now it's up on the wall with pictures of things I want. This is how it works: You put pictures up on it of things you want, pick one picture and look at it for a good long time, then visualize yourself having that item or going on that vacation or looking that way. You have to see it as if it's yours, you have to feel the feelings as if you already have it. Say, I pick the picture of my future car. I'll look at it and then close my eyes and imagine myself opening the door of that car and getting in it in great detail. I imagine the feel of the metal handle on my hand, the way the seat gives as I sit on it, I actually see my fingers wrapping around the steering wheel. As I visualize this I let that good feeling of knowing "this is my car" wash over me. When you do this, when you visualize, you're making that desire a reality. You continue this routine and wait for it to materialize. It will, it's the law of the universe. Give it a try and read The Secret. You'll see what I mean!

If I could...

If I could hand pick my wedding ring this would be it. Now, this ring is pretty big and when I first saw it I thought, "This ring has got to be thousands of dollars." Try less than $400. Isn't it beautiful?

I Love Opals

I don't know why but I absolutely love opals. I want one so bad, besides the fake one I already have that isn't near as pretty as a real one, but I don't have the money to buy myself one plus I'm sick of having to buy my own jewelery. I've actually been made fun of for buying my own jewelery. I found this wonderful web page that sells all sorts of jewelery made with precious stones including opals. On this page they have a history for all the different stones. It was very interesting to me to read that in most cultures opals were considered to be a sign of hope, love, and fidelity. They were, and still are in some cultures, given as wedding gifts with the belief that it will bring good luck to the newly wed couple. Though they lost popularity and were thought to be bad luck for several years, all because of one man's fictional novel, they are regaining popularity again. Ancients believed that they had healing powers and young blond women used to wear them believing that wearing opals protected your hair from going gray. I'm leaving a link to the website so you can read more about opals and other precious stones and shop for some truly beautiful jewelery on this website if you wish to.

http://www.jewelsforme.com/

Fingers Crossed

Yesterday in my boredom I wrote a short story. It was very religious and, I felt, it was pretty good. After revising it and fine-tuning it I decided it was good enough to leave it alone and be satisfied. Then I got an itch, an itch I had to scratch. Feeling brave, I submitted my story to the LDS magazines for review with hopes that it might soon be published. Now, I'm a nervous wreck. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I'm going to need all the help I can get to not go crazy.

I Want Him Back NOW!

Steven went away for the weekend and I want him back NOW! I'm going crazy without him! The whole situation, which I'm not going to go into, was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's time for him to be home. Luckily, he has work off tonight and we're spending the evening together. I miss him too much when he's gone, it's not a good thing.