R.I.P Patrick Swayze

I have to blog about this because Patrick Swayze was one of my favorite actors. I grew up watching Dirty Dancing and Ghost. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had a huge crush on him growing up. As I got older and learned things about his upbringing, the way he lived his life, his values... I developed great respect for him. I'm sad that he is gone and my prayers go out to his family, especially his wife. We lost an amazing actor today.

All is Lost

Today I spent some time thinking about my Grandpa Davis. I thought back to the day of his funeral and how utterly empty I felt. As I looked at his coffin I knew there and then that I would never have that loving adoration ever again. It broke my heart then and it breaks my heart now. I try really hard to be appreciative of what I have when I have it. How did I end up taking him and the love he gave to me for granted? The man was far from perfect, and in all honesty, he was kind of a jerk to everyone else but he really loved me and I loved him despite all his faults. I know that the rest of my family thinks I had a bad case of "rose colored glasses" when it comes to him but I didn't. I knew all his dirty little secrets but I didn't care. I loved him unconditionally. I seem to have a talent for that, maybe too much. I miss my grandpa, I still cry when I think about him, and I sincerely hope that someday, somehow I can have that sort of love back, though I doubt it.

How Does This Work?

The other day I was watching one of my favorite shows: American Justice. The episode was entitled: The Monster Inside (or Within, I can't remember.) Now usually when I watch these shows about a serial killer (espcially if they are a sex offender to boot) I have absolutely NO compassion for the offender... until this one. His name was Rex Allen Krebs. He had attempted to rape 2 women, raped 3 women, and killed 2 women. Usually when I see these types of offenses I feel sick and would love to see the offender taken off the face of this planet because I feel these people don't belong. Then they started to talk about his mans' childhood, his prior incarceration, and what happened while he was in prison and my attitude about him started to change.

He was severely abused as a child by both his father and his step-father. His mother sent him away and abandoned him, writing him off as a trouble-maker and something she didn't want to deal with. They talked a bit about the abuse, but I would prefer not to go into it, it's too horrible. I truly believe that the abuse he suffered as a child made him become the monster that he grew up to be.

After being convicted for rape he was sentenced to 20 years in prison. During his time in prison he pretty much begged for psychological help. They actually had official prison documents that stated this. He stated that he wanted to know why he did the things he did and that he didn't want to be the way he was. His pleas for help fell on deaf ears. He never received any sort of help for his psychological disorder but was released 10 years early due to good behavior. It was a mistake that would prove to be fatal for two young women.

Just a year after his release he attacked Rachel Newhouse. He ties her up, rapes her, and she is strangled to death while trying to escape from her bonds while Krebs is away. A year later he becomes fascinated with a young woman named Aundria Crawford. He stalks her for a few days, breaks into her house, and abducts her. He takes her back to his house and rapes her several times over the period of one day. After taking a nap on his couch he is awakened by the sounds of the girl trying to escape, in his rage he strangles her to death.

So, how much should his prior child abuse be weighed in the judgement against him? I used to say all the time, "There are plenty of people who are abused and don't go around killing people. It's NO excuse." However, this mans' case has me questioning that. How could someone go through so much abuse and not be affected? He showed remorse for his crimes and a desire to change but never had the means for getting help. This one really has me thinking. I genuinely feel sorry for this man. He plead guilty to both murders and was sentenced to death.

If you would like to know a little more about this man just click on the link:
http://maamodt.asp.radford.edu/Psyc%20405/serial%20killers/Krebs,%20Rex%20Allen%20-%202005.pdf

White Horse

My latest song addiction. It makes me cry because it applies just a little too much. Here's for all the broken hearted girls out there who have realized their fairytale will never come true...

My Birthday.

Well, there was good food, lots of family, fun, making money, and a few good friends. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that so many of my friends bailed out. I try to understand that things happen, people get sick, and things like that, I only ask for people to come celebrate once a year with me, other than that I don't really ask for anything. I felt like I got a lot of lame excuses, a few lies, and I some people who said they were going to be there and then just flat out blew me off without any explanation. It hurt a little bit because some of them I have worked really hard to be there for and I don't demand a lot, I just wanted friends to celebrate my birthday with. I really learned who my true friends are. However, I was REALLY impressed with Heather. Heather lives clear down in Ephraim and drove all that way. Thanks hun, you really made me feel special.

On the actual day of my birthday we went to Wendover to play a little black jack. I did awesome! It was so much fun! I love it when I get on a winning streak. Of course, Steven made my day special. That's what he's good at so it was no surprise. I was so grateful for everything he did and I've been trying to show him that. I hope that he feels appreciated because he truly is. I gave myself the present of changing my info back to my maiden name and it feels so good. I really feel like myself again. I feel like I've reclaimed the best aspects of my pre-marriage personality. It's nice. Plus, I feel closer to my dad again. I don't understand how a name change can do that but it really does. Overall, it was a happy birthday. I am so grateful to the people who helped made that possible. Thank you all.

The Passing Of My Last Great Grandparent

My Great Grandpa Turner finally passed on December 19 2008. I'm not trying to be rude when I say "finally" but he was suffering and I'm so grateful that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. His funeral was today and it was good to honor him but I ended up very upset. My Great Grandpa was a honorable man that served his country in the Navy during World War 2 but he had no 21 gun salute. I was furious! They just didn't come. My Grandfather deserves that respect and it was respect he didn't get. I am proud of my Grandfather's service and I will always remember the sacrafice he made for my freedom.

Trying To Remember

For those of you who know me well you'll know why today is the hardest day of the year for me. Last night I gave myself a pep-talk telling myself that I don't have to suffer anymore because of the atonement but I still feel all alone in this. I know that the atonement is actually an easy concept but I can never seem to wrap my head around it. Besides, why would I want to put something so painful on someone I love? I can't wait for tomorrow to come.

I'm Hurt!

So, I was putting this picture on my facebook account while I was at work and one of my co-workers looked over my shoulder at what I was doing. "Who's that?" he asks and I tell him it's me. His response, "No, that's not you! Or is that you like 5 years ago?" I took the picture on Sunday! Do I really look that ugly at work? Is it really that hard to believe that I can clean up and look nice? I guess so.

Adversity

The word for the week is: Adversity

Adversity: A state of hardship or affliction; misfortune.

I've been having a lot of adversity in my life lately and it's really been wearing me down. I try to be a strong person but there's only so much one person can take and I'm starting to feel like I'm reaching my limit. I sincerely hope that things will start to look up for me soon.

As discouraged as I may feel I always know that no matter how much adversity I have to go through it is for the best. The purpose of this life is to be tested and learn. Sometimes I feel like I've had enough learning experiences for a lifetime but deep down I know that's not true. All of my struggles will be for my benefit in the end. No matter how hard times get someday I will look back on them and be thankful for them and what those moments taught me.

I've always loved the quote: "You can't control what life throws at you but you can handle how you react to it." My life continues to throw a lot at me and I will continue to handle all of my little and big challenges with as much dignity and grace as I can muster. I hope I don't run out of any of the two anytime soon.

So Not Fair

I went to The Tavernacle with my cousin on Wednesday and, like always, I was painfully aware of how I came from the shallow end of the gene pool. My cousin is tall, skinny, has a beautiful face, naturally curly hair, perfect teeth... and then there's me. People tell me that I shouldn't compare myself to her and that "you're beautiful just the way you are." Sad thing is, I don't buy it. Whenever I look at family photos I am always reminded that I don't even come close to being as attractive as most of my cousins. Why didn't I get to come out of that better part of the gene pool?

Saddest Memory

This weekend I watched P.S. I Love You and the movie revolved around these love letters. It made me think of one of the saddest memories I have.

I had only been married almost a year when we decided to move. The first apartment we had lived in was an apartment that I had lived in alone before we were married so I had my stuff already there. As we were moving my husband found some love letters from a past boyfriend. He insisted that I throw them away. I was devastated! They were the only love letters I had ever received and seeing as how I was now married to a man that didn't have a romantic bone in his body, I knew I wouldn't be getting any more. I begged my case to keep them, reaffirming over and over again that I had not seen that ex-boyfriend for years and probably never would again but he wouldn't let it go.

He made me go out to the garbage can that goes out on the road, just to make it final, and throw each love letter away one by one. These were very poetic and beautiful love letters and now I had to get rid of them forever. He wouldn't even let me read them one last time. He stood there staring at me coldly as I threw them away.

I cried. And I still cry about what I had to give up that day.

It was truly one of the saddest days of my life.

I have never received love letters ever again and I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. If I could turn back the hands of time I would go back to a week before we moved and hide them at my mother's house, along with the pictures of me dressed all goth in high school (he made me throw those away too).

Hopefully someday I'll get love letters again. It breaks my heart to think that on that day I was forced to throw away the only things I will ever get that gave me physical evidence that someone had once loved me deeply.

I Can't Believe I Missed It!

I'm sitting here at work, minding my own business when a couple of co-workers come through my lobby talking about their evening. I hear Matt say that he went to the Nine Inch Nails last night concert and I wanted to cry! I missed it! I would have loved to see Trent Reznor, genius that he is, at work! I thought I had another week but no, it was last night. I'm so upset! I really wanted to go to that concert and now I'll probably have to wait at least another year before they come back. (Sigh) My luck sucks. Now I've got the concert bug so I've been browsing. Reverend Horton Heat is coming soon, I would enjoy that show if I could find someone to go with me. Apocolyptica is coming shortly after that. I'm new to this band but they've got my attention. I'm still just so upset that I missed Nine Inch Nails! I need to be a little more on the ball next time.

Misrepresentation

The word for the week is: Misrepresentation. Misrepresentation: to give an inaccurate or deliberately false account of the nature of somebody or something.

So, as many of you know my out-look on men right now is crap. It seems like everywhere I turn all the men I find are liars. What's up with that? I've had enough misrepresentation shoved down my throat to make anyone sick! Are there any honest guys out there? I'm starting to doubt it. Here, let me list a few examples:


Liar #1: We go out for a few months. He's one of the sweetest, kindest guys I've ever met. We decide to get married, we say the "I dos", and suddenly he's not the same person anymore. He suddenly has enough anger for several people, instead of spending time with me like he used to he's glued to the computer, I find out that he's addicted to porn, he never takes me out anymore, suddenly he's insanely jealous, he tells me he thinks his co-workers are trying to poison him, and I'm trying to figure out what is going on with this guy. Come to find out that the man is a paranoid schizophrenic. Something he hid from me very well while we were dating. That relationship ended but not fast enough.


Liar #2: We decide to make the arrangement of "friends with benefits." (I'm not proud of it now but it happened.) We agreed that there should be no emotion coming into play with this relationship. Next thing I know he throws out the dreaded "L" word (love) and turns everything upside down. I get suckered into it and think we're on our way to a committed relationship. Then what happens only 2 weeks later? "I don't think I'm in love with you after all." Then why did you tell me you loved me if you didn't? Now, his chances are all dried up with me and he's regretting it.


Liar #3: We meet and start hanging out. He hits on me heavily! I'm fresh out of high school, young, dumb, not seeing the signs. I start getting really excited that someone is interested in me and start texting him and talking to him on the phone to get to know him better. The flirting continues. We go out and he drops the bomb that he's actually married and would still be interested in going out. When I left he was wearing my drink. I realized, I never saw a ring. He's taking it off when he goes out so he can pick up on other girls! What a dog!

See why I'm loosing faith? I think it's pretty obvious!

3 Day Weekend with Only 1 Good Day

So this was supposed to be a great 3 day weekend? Well it didn't play out that way. Friday night I had to deal with drunkenness and I really can't stand drunks anymore. I can't even begin to tell you. It ruined the whole night for me. I was hating life.

Saturday was awesome! We woke up early and went on a hike. It was supposed to be Heather, me and some boys that I won't name considering what I'm going to say next. The boys proved themselves to be the wussies they are and didn't show. So predictable! It's all good though because Heather and I had way too much fun without them! We hiked to Stewart Falls which is a beautiful hike. I'm so glad we went. That night Nathan, my dad and I went to the Tavernacle. It was fun but there was a birthday party there with all these party girls and they were super annoying! Plus there was some weird kissing going on but that's not a story I want to post. It was good to spend a little time with Nathan, it's been a while.

Sunday was BORING! I went to church, where I'm usually really bored but it was actually a nice break from the boredom! I went home and was sitting around alone bored as could be when Heather came to my rescue yet again! I love this Heather girl, I'm keeping her around. We went to get pizza. It was nice. When I got home I got some disturbing news and that ruined everything!

Monday all I did was read, read, read, read, read, read, you get the idea. Anything to get my mind distracted from my mood. Finally I had a break from the reading and my cousin came over to visit. We went to Cafe Rio, grabbed some grub, went back to my place, and watched a movie. It was nice to spend some time with her.

I Did It To Myself.

Today I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and the worst part is... I did it to myself. I really hate it how sometimes the right choice is also the hardest one to make. I love Steven but this isn't working and I had to end it. I think the worst part was the fact that it didn't end badly. It would probably be easier to stop dwelling on it if it had. No ugly yelling and screaming, just calm and tearful conversation. I know I hurt him and now I feel like an evil witch. I really hope this isn't the end, he knows the way to come back if he should choose to. I just fear that he won't choose to. I can't even describe how much pain I'm in right now. I haven't seen the world without a rim of tears around my eyes since I broke it to him. I just wish the pain would stop. He knows that I will love him forever, which again, is something that's just making the whole situation more painful. Why does love have to hurt so much? I may have sent him away but he's taking an awful big piece of my heart with him.

Loosing Faith in People

So more and more I'm just loosing faith in people. No one is what they pretend to be and it's annoying. Sincerity, loyalty, honesty: no one believes in it anymore. It's getting to the point where I have 2 people I want in my life and that's it. That's just sad. Humans are, by far, the most monstrous creatures on this planet.

Resurrecting Some of the Old Stuff

The other day I went through my myspace blogs and discovered that some of them were not half bad. Most of my posts were mindless jabber but some, I decided, were worth resurrecting. I will put the date in the title, except for on this one since it's at the end of the poem where I like to keep it. Speaking of poetry, I'm planning on posting more of my poetry as well. Here's "Into the Water":

She wills herself into the water,
and forever there shall stay.
A tragic girl,
A lonely girl,
Pathetic in every way.
She lowers herself to her watery grave
in her solitude she longs to die.
To leave the rest behind
asking selfishly "why?"
Stubbron fools!
Can't they see?
They are the death of me.
03/02/2007

Now What?

I love my friends and would do anything for them but lately hearing about all the relationship drama has really taken it's toll on me.

When I got divorced I was so afraid to get involved in a relationship again. However, I took the dive because I wanted to be with Steven for so long. I wasn't about to let the opportunity pass me by. Even still, I was always waiting for things to go badly. I was always waiting for everything to blow up in my face like it always did. Constantly worrying about things going wrong is no way to build a relationship. I sometimes wonder if that's part of the reason why the beginning of our relationship was so rocky. We were both feeling apprehensive and it caused a lot of tension.

We've come a long way and just when I was starting to feel comfortable in our relationship all of this drama, with people I know and love, hit. Some of them thought everything was fine and then everything changed out of the blue: secrets, lies, betrayal, abuse. What's next? Even worse, who's next?

My religion teaches that faith and fear cannot co-exist. They mean in a person's soul but the same principle applies to a relationship. You've got to have faith that you can overcome any obstacle that you may have to face together, there is no room for fear. If you are constantly afraid that something is going to go wrong then you are stunning the growth of your own relationship. So now I've got to dismantle the wall my heart has already begun to build out of fear. Steven and I have a little saying and it goes like this, "I love you forever and ever and then some, come what may." I really need to start taking that to heart and have a little more faith that things will always work out for the best one way or another.